The Evil Life and Times of Leather Pants
by Sherry Marie
Summary: This story is not to be taken seriously. At all. Zoro and Sanji walking home one night from a Goth club....


Sanji's inner ear still throbbed pleasantly with echo of the deep smooth beats of the club they had just left. It was a clear night and the cool air felt wonderful as it touched his heated skin penetrating easily the thin black mesh shirt that he had worn for the evening. His eyes itched slightly from the unaccustomed streaks of eyeliner that he had applied, but it was little more than a small irritant and was not enough to damper his good mood. The same, however, could not be said concerning his fidgeting companion.

"God, will you stop that?" he snarled after watching Zoro reach down to pull at the material covering his crotch for about the seventh time in the last five minutes, "We're still in public you ill-bred bastard."

"I can't help it!" came the response growled from between clenched teeth. "This fucking hurts! Who is the sick fucker that thought it would be a great idea to make pants out leather?"

"Yeah, that's a real sick idea, that one." Sanji drawled sarcastically as he reached into the pocket of his own leather pants to pull out his cigarettes. "I told you that it was a goth club when you agreed to come, and I also told you that you would need to dress a certain way in order to try and fit-in. Lots of people wear leather pants, especially in clubs like that one. And a lot of people, including me, like them."

"Well, that just proves that you're even more fucked up than I thought you were. I mean," he grabbed once again between his legs and pulled with a grimace, "it gets sweaty down there an—"

"I really don't want to hear a single thing about your sweaty crotch," Sanji cut in, "You know, just in case you thought that I did."

"Shut the fuck up, Shitty Cook. This is your fault."

"Is it? And how, you idiot asshole, do you figure that?"

"Because this was_ your_ shitty idea in the first place. You just had to drag me to that stupid club so you could ogle the little pale goth girls. This is just another example of you going around thinking with your dick. Your dick, by the way, is an idiot."

"Leave him out of this." Sanji warned sharply. He sent a silent message down there reminding his little buddy (well, not _little_) that it was always best to ignore the big stupid seaweed-head and his ignorant ramblings.

"And I wasn't 'ogling' anyone. I don't 'ogle'," he added after a minute, "I merely gaze at feminine beauty as all should; with awe and profound admiration."

Zoro snorted and mumbled, "Yeah, well, after tonight, I'm not even sure that you actually like women."

Sanji tripped over his next step at the unexpected and shocking words before stopping completely to turn and stare in disbelief and horror at the other man. He opened his mouth six and a half times before actual sound was produced.

"Wh -What did you say?", he gasped.

"You heard me," Zoro dropped the intense eye contact and looked to the side before continuing, "You were all over me tonight. Touching and rubbing….stuff up against me. No wonder I was all sweaty, you perverted bastard!"

"Oh, that," Sanji shrugged and started walking again, "Idiot. Goth chicks love gay guys," he explained with a wave of his hand. Then with a sudden wicked smile he asked in a light voice, "So…I made you sweat?"

It was Zoro's turn to stumble, before his entire body flushed bright red.

"What! No! That's not what I meant!"

Just before things could get interesting, Zoro broke-off with a sound that could have easily been mistaken for a whimper and grabbed at the front of his pants with both hands. The cook merely closed his eyes and shook his head.

"That's it!" the swordsman declared in a strained voice, "I can't take it anymore. I'm taking these goddamn things off."

Sanji raised an eyebrow. "Right now? Here? In the middle of the street?"

"Yes!" Zoro tugged sharply on the crotch of his pants with a look of flustered discomfort on his face and reached for the complicated weave that laced the black leather pants low on his waist.

"Do what you want, asshole, but there is no way in hell I'm going to waste what's left of my night hanging out in the police station bailing your ass out of jail."

The swordsman froze with his fingers tangled in the top knot of the drawstring, and then with a frustrated growl dropped his hands into clenched fists at his sides.

"Fuck! I can't go to jail. I'm covered in, you know . . . glitter." The blush on his face deepened.

"Bad things happen to glittery guys in prison."

"Just stop bitching about it, Marimo. We're almost back to the inn and you can take them off there."

Zoro glared at the blonde. "Why the hell aren't _you_ having any problems, freaky cook!"

Sanji rolled his eyes as ran his hands down the smooth butter leather around his hips. "Because I applied baby powder before I put them on like you're supposed to; like I _told_ you. I even placed the goddamn bottle on the dresser next to your pants. Why the fuck didn't you use it?"

"I wasn't going to put on _baby powder_! That's girly!"

The cook's precarious hold on his temper finally snapped.

"Oh, well, you wouldn't want to look girly, would you, you great big glittering asshole!"

"Fuck you! I had to wear glitter to go to that shitty club! Goths wear glitter!"

"Yeah, _girl_ goths."

Sanji smirked around his still burning cigarette as he quickly dodged Zoro's lunge, and was ready to plant a swift kick to the other man's thick head when the swordsman grabbed suddenly between his legs and fell to the ground. His face was twisted in pain. "Fuckin' pants", he ground out biting his lip.

A small part of Sanji was almost moved to something close to sympathy as he watched the other man curled up on the ground. But another part of him, a much much larger part, found the spectacle funny as hell.

"Is your friend all right?"

Sanji instantly turned at the sweet sound of the feminine voice. A beautiful young woman stood a couple feet behind him, looking at the pair of them with generous concern etched in her large dark eyes. Sanji recognized her instantly from being with them in the club earlier in the night and his heart beat loudly against his chest as he moved towards her and took her hand. Her eyes widened as he planted a soft kiss against her pale delicate knuckles.

"Oh, never mind him, my dark and lovely angel. I made him all sweaty earlier and now he's having a little trouble walking," he confessed in low tones dropping a slow wink.

Zoro's outraged yelp-like noise almost drowned the exhilarating sound of the young lady's softly-spoken but _very_ interested "Really?" She looked at Zoro and then back at Sanji and smiled an invitation.

"Yes," Sanji said with a smile to answer hers in kind, "really."


End file.
